Summary
Whether you’ve been in your position for a few days or a few years, you can find yourself feeling like you’re standing on the outside of your team.
Does this feel familiar?
You walk into the room—and it goes quiet.
You hear about decisions after they’ve been made.
You sense inside jokes you’re not part of.
You suspect there are group chats without you.
And every time you offer direction, you get polite nods—and subtle resistance.
Let’s be honest: it feels like them against you.
It might not have started off that way or it may have. Perhaps somewhere along the line, you made some missteps. Maybe you favored one person too obviously. Maybe you tried to copy/paste your old team’s way of working. Maybe you delivered feedback without enough guidance or pushed too hard, too fast.
Now, you feel like an outsider in your own team—and it’s exhausting, and making you a little paranoid even.
But here’s the truth: you’re not stuck. You’re not irredeemable. You’re just a leader who needs a reset—and a roadmap.
1. First, Let Go of the Shame. Own the Truth.
Before you can rebuild or build trust, you need to release the inner critic whispering that you’ve failed forever. You didn’t fail—you led imperfectly. Like every human does. You can’t erase the past, but you can acknowledge it.
Start here:
- Name the patterns: What dynamics do you see now that you couldn’t before?
- Name your role: Where did your leadership approach create tension, fear, or division?
- Name the impact: What has it cost you—and them?
Then take a breath. Because the minute you choose honesty over ego, you start leading again.
2. Ditch the Comparison Trap (Your Old Team Wasn’t This Team)
One of the fastest ways to alienate a new team is to compare them to your last one. You might think you’re sharing “best practices,” but what your team hears is:
“You’re not good enough.”
“I miss my old team.”
“Why can’t you all be more like them?”
That stings. And over time, it makes people shut down, dig in, or quietly rebel.
Reframe it this way:
Instead of asking, “Why aren’t they like my old team?”
Ask, “What unique strengths does this team have that I haven’t learned how to unlock yet?”
3. Stop Managing Behavior. Start Repairing Relationships.
If your team is icing you out, the solution isn’t in more performance check-ins. It’s in making more human connections. You don’t need another feedback form. You need real conversations.
Try this: Meet 1:1 with each team member. Not to evaluate, but to understand. Ask:
- “What’s been hard since I came on board?”
- “Where have I missed the mark?”
- “What would help you feel more supported by me?”
Then listen. No defending. No fixing. No interrupting. Just listening. One vulnerable conversation can unlock more momentum than a year of meetings.
4. Earn Your Way Back In
The hard truth? You may not be trusted right now—and you might not be invited into everything yet. That’s not a personal attack. That’s the consequence of broken rapport. But trust isn’t permanent. It’s both breakable and rebuildable.
Here’s how to start:
- Keep your promises. Always.
- Do the small things—show up on time, share credit, apologize publicly when needed.
- Don’t chase inclusion. Demonstrate trustworthiness until you’re invited in again.
Influence returns to those who lead from service, not status.
5. Shift from Critic to Coach
If your feedback has come off as harsh, here’s why: you’ve been leading for performance before leading for growth. You may have expected them to “just get it.” But if they’re underperforming, chances are no one has truly coached them before.
Make this your mantra: “I’m not here to correct. I’m here to develop.”
What that looks like:
- Feedback paired with specific support
- Mistakes seen as learning labs, not loyalty tests
- Recognizing effort, not just results
When you show your team that you’re here to build them up—not just call them out—they start opening up again.
Final Thought: Trust Is Lost Loudly, But Rebuilt Quietly
You might not get a standing ovation when you try to repair things. But don’t let silence discourage you. Just keep showing up differently. If you lead with humility, consistency, and a real desire to be in it with them, people will notice.
Walls don’t crumble all at once. They crack, shift, and give. And eventually, they open.
