Summary
One Leader Gets the Questions. The Other Gets Avoided.
You can see it if you’re watching closely:
- When someone’s unsure how to start a new type of assignment, they ask her.
- When they want coaching on handling a tough intern conversation, they ask her.
- When they want feedback before showing work to the broader team, they quietly pull her aside.
But there’s another leader on the same team—same title, same authority—who never gets those questions.
Because the team has learned:
“She makes you feel dumb for asking.”
So they don’t ask.
They improvise. They stall. They pretend they’re fine.
And sometimes, they quietly fail.
You Don’t Need a Title to Create Safety
The leader everyone turns to isn’t necessarily the one with the biggest budget, longest tenure, or most polished presence.
She’s the one who:
- Makes guidance feel like partnership
- Gives honest feedback without shame
- Sees questions as signs of engagement—not ignorance
- Mentors in the moment, instead of micromanaging after the fact
And most importantly, she never weaponizes her expertise to protect her ego.
That’s why she gets the questions.
That’s why the team grows under her.
The other leader? She may not realize it yet, but she’s teaching the team to mask their uncertainty and fake their way through learning curves.
And that’s not leadership. That’s fear in a power suit.
Two Real Examples That Speak Volumes
- A team lead wanted guidance on giving honest feedback to a struggling intern.
He didn’t want to crush the intern’s spirit, but the work quality hadn’t improved after three rounds. He knew exactly who he could ask for help—and exactly who he couldn’t. - A marketing team member was tasked with building a social media schedule.
But since content gets published last-minute, she had no idea how to design a calendar that worked. She’d never done it before. So she asked the one leader who would help her think through it—without judgment.
These weren’t lazy people. They were trying to grow, and knew where they’d be safe doing it.
This Is More Than a Personality Clash. It’s a Leadership Signal.
When half your team seeks out one leader and avoids the other, it’s not about style. It’s about psychological safety.
It’s not just:
- Who’s nicer
- Who’s more patient
- Who’s more available
It’s:
- Who makes learning possible
- Who creates momentum instead of paralysis
- Who makes the job feel more doable—not more dangerous
What Mentorship Imbalance Costs You
- Talented team members grow slower
- Quiet contributors avoid asking for help
- Assigned work gets delayed or faked through
- Coaching opportunities are lost to silence
- One leader burns out while the other collects credit without contributing to growth
And over time, the culture decays—not from lack of process, but from lack of trust.
How to Repair It—Without Finger Pointing
If you’re a team lead or senior leader, here’s what to do:
1. Audit who your team turns to
Ask: “Who are they really learning from?”
If it’s not you, ask: “Why not me?”
2. Don’t defend the leader the team avoids—coach her
Not everyone knows they’re being intimidating. “But, I’m just direct” isn’t a free pass to humiliate someone seeking clarity.
This is a coaching moment—likely several.
3. Model mentorship as strength, not extra credit
Don’t wait for HR to call it coaching.
Make it part of the job. Make it part of the culture.
4. Elevate and protect the go-to mentors
Don’t let the quiet, supportive leaders burn out because they’re the only safe place left.
Recognize them, reward them, and build mentorship into how success is measured.
Final Word: If They’re Not Asking You, They’re Still Asking—Just Not Safely
Every team member will hit a wall at some point.
They’ll need help with something new.
They’ll want guidance they can trust.
The only question is:
Will they feel safe asking you?
If the answer is no, you’re not just missing the question.
You’re missing the growth moment that could have changed everything.
