Summary

Toxic positivity tells you to “stay strong” and “look on the bright side,” even when your world is on fire. In this honest and practical essay, Sterling Phoenix shows how real resilience isn't about forcing optimism—it’s about feeling the hard things and still choosing to rise. With personal insight, truth-telling, and zero fluff, this guide helps you build strength without emotional bypassing. No fake smiles. Just clarity, courage, and grounded grit.

“What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger.”

That’s what my grandmother used to say.
And I believed her.

For years, I lived by that mantra.
I powered through grief, exhaustion, anxiety, and burnout—smiling the whole time.

I was the encourager.
The bright side finder.
The “we’ve got this!” voice in every storm.

But here’s what I’ve learned:

You can’t heal what you won’t name.
You can’t grow if you’re not honest.
And you sure as hell can’t lead from a place of pretend.

What Is Toxic Positivity?

It’s not optimism.
It’s not hope.
It’s denial with a motivational poster slapped on top.

Toxic positivity sounds like:

  • “At least it’s not worse.”
  • “Good vibes only!”
  • “Everything happens for a reason.”
  • “Stay positive—no matter what!”

It might seem harmless. But it creates pressure. Shame. Emotional shutdown.

Why Toxic Positivity Backfires

When we rush past real emotions—ours or someone else’s—we cut off the very process that makes resilience possible.

We send the message:
“Your hard thing isn’t valid. Let’s just move on.”

Here’s the problem:

Unprocessed emotions don’t disappear. They just leak out somewhere else.
In our relationships.
In our bodies.
In our leadership.

Real Resilience Is Honest

It says:

  • “This is hard—and I’m still here.”
  • “I don’t know how it ends—but I’m taking the next step.”
  • “I feel like I’m breaking—and I’m going to keep breathing.”

That’s strength.
That’s power.
That’s leadership.

How I Rewired My Positivity Reflex

I didn’t stop being hopeful.
I didn’t become cynical.

But I did stop pretending everything was okay when it wasn’t.

Here’s what helped:

  1. I gave people space to name hard things

Instead of fixing, I started saying:

“That sucks. I’m really sorry you’re in it.”

And I let that be enough.

  1. I practiced AND, not BUT

“This is exhausting and I’m going to show up anyway.”
“I feel broken and I’m finding my way forward.”
AND is resilience. BUT is erasure.

  1. I learned to ask better questions

Instead of “What’s the bright side?” I ask:

“What do you need right now?”
“What’s one thing that’s helping you cope?”
“Where can we make space for ease?”

Resilience Isn’t Constant Strength

It’s not armor.
It’s not endless optimism.
It’s not “grit at all costs.”

It’s flexibility.
It’s self-honesty.
It’s honoring the truth without being consumed by it.

Real resilience lets you say “this sucks” without losing sight of your own power.

What I Want You to Know

You’re not failing if you’re tired.
You’re not weak if you’re struggling.
You’re not negative if you name what hurts.

You’re human.

And that’s what makes your leadership real.

Want to Start Rewiring Your Resilience Reflex?

Grab the Resilience Without the Fake Smiles worksheet:

  • 5 reflection prompts to process hard emotions
  • The “AND, not BUT” rewiring practice
  • A better question cheat sheet for self-talk and team conversations
  • Bonus: What to say instead of “good vibes only”
[Download the Resilience Worksheet] [Subscribe to Rise by Design] [Join Toolkit Tuesdays for bold tools + no-fluff support]

You don’t need to fake it to lead it.

You just need the courage to stay honest—with yourself and others.

—Sterling Phoenix

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